2013 Church Directory, Abridged

The Abridged 2013 Church of Christ Directory:

Barbed Gate Church of Christ

Welcome, is this your first time?  Would you like to be added to the church?  Just sign up for our six-month course and then we’ll have you fill out our ten-page doctrinal questionnare before we get you in the water just to make sure you’re being baptized for all the right reasons.

Billy Peebles Church of Christ

Brother Billy Peebles has been preaching for our congregation for thirty years.  Come and enjoy preaching by Billy Peebles.  If you have a question about our beliefs, just go ask Billy Peebles.  Visiting the sick, conducting Bible studies, representing our church—Billy Peebles does it all!  We hang on every word Billy Peebles says.  Billy Peebles is the place to be.

Bitter Springs (House) Church of Christ

We used to go to _________ Church of Christ, but they rubbed us the wrong way after years of faithful attendance.  We now meet at brother Manning’s house, and we’re still trying to figure out how to accomodate to every member’s perfect ideal image of what a church should be.

Box Springs Church of Christ

With the most prime location, Box Springs Church of Christ maketh you to lie down in your own private green pasture.  Close your eyes in prayer, and remain until the service ends.  After all, the day after the Sabbath is a day of rest, too.
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Part the only of my review of _Hobbit: Unexpected Journey_

“All the good stories deserve embellishment,” says Gandalf.  In Jackson’s case, embellishment means lots of CGI and plot tangents not in the core source material, but a great story is still told.  If you go see The Hobbit: A Fun Expected Journey, I cannot promise that you will come back fully happy.  But if you do, you will not be the same.
HAUJ_Bus_Dwarves_DOM

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The War on Christmas is Getting Worrrssssssse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS IS GETTING WORSE AND WORSE!!!

This year, the war on Christmas is getting so bad,

In the interest of shopping for Christmas because the nation couldn’t wait to begin, Black Friday was moved back to Thursday, taking over Thanksgiving!

The war on Christmas is getting so bad,

A Christmas Story and hundreds of other TV Christmas specials will be playing on several major and minor channels!

The war on Christmas is getting so bad,

they’re placing a gigantic huge Christmas tree in the middle of Times Square, New York!

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Christmas Persecutes the Lonely: A Conversation with Scrooge and the Grinch

“Christmas is a holiday that persecutes the lonely, the frayed, and the rejected” -Jimmy Cannon

Ebenezer Scrooge and the Grinch who stole Christmas have since reformed their ways and now attend a former Christmas villain support group.  They both arrive a little early.  This is their conversation:

Grinch: So, ‘Nezer, how’s the credit union management goin’ for ya?

Scrooge: Great.  I’m glad I left before Marley and Farley was acquired by Goldman Sachs.  Now there’s a name right out of a Dickens novel if I ever heard one.  How does it feel to be the first Green Santa?

G: Inspirational.  I really felt like I’ve opened up a lot of doors for minorities.  Or should I say, opened a lotta chimneys.
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2012: “The Year of Beards”— Why The Bearded Man Should Be Man of the Year!

Without a shadow of a doubt 2012 is the year of beards.  Beards have finally risen to the pedestal of prominence they deserve.  Men, take notice.  Your time has come.

I propose that the bearded man be nominated as TIME magazine’s person of the year.

Observe:
Since antiquity, the bearded men have spoken.  Hear their memes…


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On Chopping Perfect Christmas Trees

Last night, Noah decorated his third Christmas tree for his first Christmas.  Well, he played while we decorated.

Because my grandmother was allergic to evergreens, I grew up with a plastic tree we assembled every year after bringing it down from the attic.  Not until I was married did I have my own live tree.  Now I get to decorate three trees a year: our own, my parents’, and my in-laws.

My wife comes from the home of the perfect Christmas tree, a little town called—I’m not kidding—Spruce Pine.  Since we got married we would always drive up there and pick a Christmas tree from this nice guy who sold trees at a reasonable price, and even offered us a deal on grass fed beef (we had to decline—we don’t eat that much beef).  We’d stuff it in our Corolla, shoving it in the trunk and yanking it through.  We would drive three hours with a tree between us.  A child’s car seat prevents us from doing that ever again.
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No Cream Filling: Rush Limbaugh and Howard Stern are the Same Person

Rush Limbaugh on his radio show the other day:
“I truly blame the First Lady and her Socialist push for healthy food. This is all Michelle Obama’s fault, I feel as though a part of me is dying. We can’t let this happen! Not in America! We need our food made of chemicals and pretend sugar filled with preservatives. I don’t like knowing what I’m eating. Carrots?! Apples?! Strawberries?! How boring does this White House want us to be?! We’re not Americans unless we’re eating things that are bad for us. It’s what makes us great! I’m so upset right now I think I need go to a commercial.”
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