2013 Church Directory, Abridged

The Abridged 2013 Church of Christ Directory:

Barbed Gate Church of Christ

Welcome, is this your first time?  Would you like to be added to the church?  Just sign up for our six-month course and then we’ll have you fill out our ten-page doctrinal questionnare before we get you in the water just to make sure you’re being baptized for all the right reasons.

Billy Peebles Church of Christ

Brother Billy Peebles has been preaching for our congregation for thirty years.  Come and enjoy preaching by Billy Peebles.  If you have a question about our beliefs, just go ask Billy Peebles.  Visiting the sick, conducting Bible studies, representing our church—Billy Peebles does it all!  We hang on every word Billy Peebles says.  Billy Peebles is the place to be.

Bitter Springs (House) Church of Christ

We used to go to _________ Church of Christ, but they rubbed us the wrong way after years of faithful attendance.  We now meet at brother Manning’s house, and we’re still trying to figure out how to accomodate to every member’s perfect ideal image of what a church should be.

Box Springs Church of Christ

With the most prime location, Box Springs Church of Christ maketh you to lie down in your own private green pasture.  Close your eyes in prayer, and remain until the service ends.  After all, the day after the Sabbath is a day of rest, too.

Corner of Smith & Wesson Church of Christ

The Bible and a Gun: Two things every American ought to have and use!  Come to our “Bring Your Gun to Church” Day and celebrate your 2nd Amendment Right!  Guns don’t kill people, persecutors do.  Kill them back!

Dry Dock Church of Christ

We are currently tied up in an Elders/Deacons/Preachers committee meeting at the moment, and will get back with you as soon as we resolve whatever it is we are meeting about.

Empty Nest Church of Christ

You may notice that we have no one between the age of twenty and thirty-eight.  Why is that?  We know as a fact it’s becuase children don’t hear enough sermons on issues like women’s role in the church.  So we have to press it harder on our children than we ever have before.  More important than raking leaves, or prayer groups, or discussing their feelings about faith and all those other marginal things [citation needed], if our children aren’t drilled with important matters like why we’re not Methodist, they’ll keep losing their faith by the age of 25.

Fort Formal Church of Christ

Direct your attention to the worship program.  For Lord’s Supper Duty, make sure you wear the appropriate attire the Lord wants: buttoned shirt, tie, dress pants and sport-coat [citation needed].  Check that you are equal distance from the presider as the brother on the other side, and that your hands are locked either in the front or back.

Fuzzy Navel Church of Christ

Are you seeking?  The most important thing is that YOU feel welcome.  YOUR feelings matter the most to us.  We save the hard biblical truths for those dusty books in our library/closet.  We don’t profess arrogance, so we are willing to EMBRACE every point of view YOU may have.  GRACE means catering to YOUR doubts [citation needed].  Here at Fuzzy Navel, if you’re comfortable with your choices, God is too.

Gold Mound Church of Christ

God has surely blessed us here at Gold Mound. And assuredly, all our members give their full ten percent to the church.  Now, our vault only runs so deep, so we can’t just help you because you come and ask.  After all, there are a lot of scammers out there!  But if you’re a certified member who’s just lost a loved one or something, we’ll be glad to pitch in.  You can’t be too careful.

Graves End Church of Christ
Please be respectfully somber as you enter. Please do not express joy during the Lord’s Supper, which is about the death of Christ.  If his birth was important, he would have told us when he was born.  If his resurrection was important, he would have told us when that was.  The law is death, and since we want to live by the law we will come to the table as to a funeral.

Green Links Church of Christ

Greetings.  Our preacher and elders are currently at the golf course.  Try calling again tomorrow.

Hip Street Church of Christ

Hey fellow Jesus freaks!  Clad your hands if Jesus is your homeboy!  Here at Hip Street we got the glossiest, most stylish books to study up in class, paired with the freshest videos.  If it’s a decade old, we don’t touch it.  Glance at our glossy stock photo to see how diverse we are.  We’ve got the newest, hottest stuff around.

Knitted Cloister Church of Christ

As our sign says, you are welcome at Knitted Cloister.  We have assigned an usher to take care of greeting you and acknowledging your presence.  Feel free to choose one of our six unofficial seating sections based on our fellowship cliques.  Or sit off to the side with the other visitors.  Make sure to fill out a card, so we know you were even here.

NON-INSTRUMENTAL! Main Street Church of Christ

Of the two congregations on Main Street who call themselves Churches of Christ, we are the NON-INSTRUMENTAL! one.  The other one uses instruments, but we are the NON-INSTRUMENTAL! one.  Our homepage offers a lengthy treatise on why we are the NON-INSTRUMENTAL! Church of Christ.  When you walk in the door, we would like to point out that we have no instruments, as we are the NON-INSTRUMENTAL! Church of Christ.  Thank you for coming out and SINGING with us at the NON-INSTRUMENTAL! Church of Christ on Main Street.

Partisan Pulpit Church of Christ

The Polling Pulpit Church of Christ is proud to be one of the freedom-loving churches in Christian America!  We provide buttons and unbiased voting issue tracts at the door.  Our preacher reminds us to stand for Republican values come election time.  You’ll also hear sermons on the home, the church, and the civil government being the three institutions God set up in the beginning [citation needed].  Copies of the U.S. Constitution are stitched into the back of our pew Bibles.  We stand for the only three values that really matter: Abortion, Homosexuality, and Prayer in schools.  If you have trouble locating the cross on our roof, look behind the flag.

Shallow Brook Church of Christ

Shallow Brook is the nicest church around.  We pride ourselves on how much we strain to show those pearly white teeth at you, and we let those show all the way to the car.  Ask us how we’re doing and we’ll be sure to say “fine”.  We are doing very well: we just added a new powerpoint machine and a new annex.  Come on by.  We won’t keep you too long, we know people have places to be.  Have a nnnice, nnnice day.

Shibboleth Hill Church of Christ

Verily, mayest thou wit that we welcometh thee.  We gathereth here by and by and give obeisance to the true English translation of the Bible, authorized by God in 1611 by the consecration of King James and his diadem [citation needed].  Here at Shibboleth Hill we mind our “Thee”s and “Thou”s, for to shew respect to God.  If any abjects bethinkest themselves to do otherwise, let them be accursed, for they bewray thee, and we eschew them as we would the publican’s lucre.  We pray to thee, Father, that that those who use thine authorized translation may never be abated.  Beware liscentiousness.  Propitiation is worth many a farthing.  Seek ablution with a doused charger.  God hath maketh unicorns and satyrs.  A-men.

Six Flags Church of Christ

Our youth group trips are awesome!  We go to amusement parks, we go to the zoo, we go to ski resorts, we go to Disney world, we go to the beach, we go play lazer tag—oh, don’t be mistaken.  We squeeze in the occasional devo or service thingy.  Like I mean on Spring Break we do some door-knocking.

East Split Hair Church of Christ

We used to be larger, but some folks chose to be divisive and left to form their own church at West Split Hair.  We would sure like to reconcile, but we’re just waiting for those folks at West Split Hair to take the first step.  Seems like they like it right where they are.

West Split Hair Church of Christ

We used to be larger, but some folks chose to be divisive and left to form their own church at East Split Hair.  We would sure like to reconcile, but we’re just waiting for those folks at East Split Hair to take the first step.  Seems like they like it right where they are.

Starbucks Church of Christ

Welcome!  As you can see, we’ve installed a coffee bar in our foyer for your sipping pleasure.  All proceeds go to either our ministry, building maintenance, or our barista staff.

Time Warp Church of Christ

Step into our church one Sunday and on the next you’ll be sure to catch the exact same service you missed last Sunday.  Step into our church one Sunday and on the next you’ll be sure to catch the exact same service you missed last Sunday.  Step into our church one Sunday and on the next you’ll be sure to catch the exact same service you missed last Sunday…

Vanilla Pond Church of Christ

All these other churches out there try to cater to people’s “needs.”  One church is having a “songs only” service!  Another is singing during the Lord’s Supper!  They got something for everybody!  Well, here at Vanilla Pond we understand that God has only one plain way of having us do things [citation needed].  There’s only one flavor, and that’s God’s flavor, and any other fruity flavor is an unfruitful work of darkness!

White Flight Church of Christ

We used to be located in the inner city, near to certain…demographics.  But the gangs and drugs and area were just too much for us.  We got the hades out of dodge!  We moved to a more pleasant neighborhood where you don’t have all that…crime.  We wanted our children to go to a finer school where you don’t have to deal with all the…riff raff.  Our building is within a short drive of our gated community, one full of people who just look…nicer.  Now we don’t have to worry about dealing with so many…problems.  So come on out and join us at our new location!

 Yonder Valley Corpus Christi: A Church of Christ

We are blessed to have seekers of truth come and be with us here.  We are open to all sinners in need of repentance striving to be better saints.  We admit that we are so often torn by struggles and doubts, but our faith has led us forward.  We could preach ourselves, but honestly, there isn’t much of that to preach.  So we preach Christ, because he’s all we have, and really all we need.  We try to embody Him, and where we fail we ask that you look past us and see God through the cloudy lens that is our community of faith.  Do please come be with us, and if you choose to stay, help make us stronger.

8 responses to “2013 Church Directory, Abridged

  1. [Note: This piece was not composed out of bitterness or irreverence. Inspired by John’s letter to the seven churches of Asia, the author wanted to create a satire of the messages we send versus who we really are as congregations, in order to help us examine more critically what our nature should be. It is for this reason the last entry seeks to represent what we should be. These individual entries were not meant to aim each at specific congregations (though some did come to mind), but to represent both the stereotypes and (unfortunately) the realities of what congregations of Christ’s church often become. I also hope you can laugh a little, for though the problems we face are often very grave, we must acknowledge our imperfections and not take ourselves so seriously that we put our will before God’s. If this piece becomes circulated I hope it is done so with the best intentions, and not propagated by those who, like the Bitter Springs Church, for example, have an ax to grind against churches everywhere. John wanted to wake churches up so they could heal, not scorn them to get the bitterness off his back. May God bless all churches, and may that blessing entail that churches everywhere examine their identity in Christ.]

  2. Awesome post! I’ve saved this in my notes for future reference. Your post reminds me of Rev 2-3 except with less seriousness and more sarcasm. 🙂

    Barbed Gate Church of Christ

    On one hand, this makes a really great point–one that I believe. On the other hand, this is part of the duty of shepherds–to protect the flock from wolves. But as you sarcastically show, this process isn’t the way it ought to be done. After all, we don’t know wolves by their doctrine or how they were baptized. We know them by their fruit. To know someone’s fruit, you have to get into their lives and begin to understand their heart and actions.

    Dry Dock Church of Christ

    I’m not familiar with what this is sarcastically describing.

    Shibboleth Hill Church of Christ

    “God hath maketh unicorns and satyrs. A-men.” LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!111

    Starbucks Church of Christ

    I’m not sure if you are speaking against congregations that serve coffee, congregations that use the proceeds to fun ridiculous things, or both.

    Yonder Valley Corpus Christi: A Church of Christ

    I’m not familiar with what this is describing–unless you’re being serious on this one.

    Here is a new one:

    Twins Church of Christ

    False doctrine is the most destructive enemy of the church today. At Twins Church of Christ, we teach only sound doctrine. You will that find our beliefs are 100% consistent without any varying opinions. If you fully understand and believe the Scriptures, you are welcome here. Differences of doctrine of any kind are divisive, are not in line with God’s will, and, therefore, are not welcome in God’s church. If you find that your beliefs are different than the Lord’s church, we invite you to study with us in order to learn exactly what the Scriptures teach.

  3. Xyhelm (I know your true identity!), you’re right about protecting the flock from wolves. Elders should look after the spiritual lives of the flock, and congregations should make sure people come to Jesus with the right intentions.

    Dry Dock is meant to make fun of how sometimes “EDP” meetings seem to go on forever or happen so often that they aren’t available to people.

    Perhaps the Starbucks one isn’t clear. I’m fine with serving coffee, of course, as with serving any food, because we must come to feast. I was referencing the trend that some denominations have that I’ve heard of one CofC doing, using church funds to install a barista and sell coffee.

    And yes, I am being serious about the last one, in a positive way. The point being that, at least the way I describe it, we should all be like that one. Ok—I’ll go ahead and spit it out: The name is to represent that, firstly, “yonder valley” implies that maybe the church we ought to be is far from what we are, and that “corpus Christi emphasis that we are not just “church”, but “body”, the contemporary word “church” losing it’s real meaning and the word “body” really making us thing about how we are Christ’s body.

  4. The Called Out of the Annointed One (Church of Christ)

    Are you tired of the preacher treating you like you’ve only got some piddly Master’s Degree? Here at “The Way”, as we like to call ourselves for short, we’ll dive into the deeper matters like the implications of the aorist active indicative, archaeological evidence corroborating the existence of the Hittites, and the differences between preterist, futurist, and parallelist interpretations of Revelation. We don’t waste time discussing what the text actually says, much less how that should impact the way we live our lives this coming week.

    …which is right across the street from…

    Plain and Simple church of Christ

    Check your Study Bibles at the door here at Plain and Simple church of Christ! We take Rev 22:18 seriously. The Lord does not need some feeble minded man writing his own opinions and publishing it as some “commentary”. Our Bible classes consist of a verse-by-verse study of the Scripture with no man-made study guides. In fact, we find this very description to be unscriptural. It would be best to delete the whole thing and replace it with a reference to Romans 16:16.

  5. I think you did a great job with this. It is obviously sarcastic, but it is amazing how many congregation want so strongly to have an “identity” that they (probably) unknowingly act like one of these descriptions. It almost serves as a de facto sales pitch to newcomers or even to the brotherhood at large.

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