The War on Christmas is Getting Worrrssssssse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


This year, the war on Christmas is getting so bad,

In the interest of shopping for Christmas because the nation couldn’t wait to begin, Black Friday was moved back to Thursday, taking over Thanksgiving!

The war on Christmas is getting so bad,

A Christmas Story and hundreds of other TV Christmas specials will be playing on several major and minor channels!

The war on Christmas is getting so bad,

they’re placing a gigantic huge Christmas tree in the middle of Times Square, New York!

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Christmas Persecutes the Lonely: A Conversation with Scrooge and the Grinch

“Christmas is a holiday that persecutes the lonely, the frayed, and the rejected” -Jimmy Cannon

Ebenezer Scrooge and the Grinch who stole Christmas have since reformed their ways and now attend a former Christmas villain support group.  They both arrive a little early.  This is their conversation:

Grinch: So, ‘Nezer, how’s the credit union management goin’ for ya?

Scrooge: Great.  I’m glad I left before Marley and Farley was acquired by Goldman Sachs.  Now there’s a name right out of a Dickens novel if I ever heard one.  How does it feel to be the first Green Santa?

G: Inspirational.  I really felt like I’ve opened up a lot of doors for minorities.  Or should I say, opened a lotta chimneys.
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On Chopping Perfect Christmas Trees

Last night, Noah decorated his third Christmas tree for his first Christmas.  Well, he played while we decorated.

Because my grandmother was allergic to evergreens, I grew up with a plastic tree we assembled every year after bringing it down from the attic.  Not until I was married did I have my own live tree.  Now I get to decorate three trees a year: our own, my parents’, and my in-laws.

My wife comes from the home of the perfect Christmas tree, a little town called—I’m not kidding—Spruce Pine.  Since we got married we would always drive up there and pick a Christmas tree from this nice guy who sold trees at a reasonable price, and even offered us a deal on grass fed beef (we had to decline—we don’t eat that much beef).  We’d stuff it in our Corolla, shoving it in the trunk and yanking it through.  We would drive three hours with a tree between us.  A child’s car seat prevents us from doing that ever again.
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