College is starting back. Some of you will be going for the first time. You will meet new people. Some of you are going to a Christian college, one in the south, like I did. How well do you know your Christian College stereotypes? Based on the famous “99% of the People You Meet in College” article (from which I shamelessly plaigiarized), I give you a list of possible stereotypes you may encounter at a particularly Christian university in the south:
[This list is meant to make fun of stereotypes, so if you’re offended because you think one of these describes you, this blog may not be suitable for your consumption.]
[Many of the stereotypes are based on my time at Freed-Hardeman, and may not apply elsewhere.]
This person comes in as a freshman and feel like they’ve already been at this play for 2 years. The President actually knows their name, and they’re already several teachers’ favorite students. Or they didn’t really want to enroll but their parents made them cuz it was actually cheap for them, and they hate the school more than anyone.
“MAN I HATE CHAPEL” GUY
Says this every day. Even when we have a good, uplifting, spiritually rewarding devotional that lasts more than 2 minutes, he says this.
THAT GUY YOU REMEMBER FROM HORIZONS (or whatever church camp for kids was held on campus)
They were at “campus camp” every year, and they were the stuff. You don’t remember their name or anything, you just remember he or she was the stuff. Somehow they get to campus and they’re still the stuff.
THE “ATHEIST”/ POSTMODERN PHILOSOPHER/HIPSTER
All they know how to do is complain about how Christians nowadays don’t know what Jesus meant. So they just gave up on being one. “Nothing is certain, except to say that Christians are boring prudes or don’t know anything about art or philosophy, man!” They drop hints here and there in philosophy and evidences class about how we can’t prove there’s a God, and because there are hypocritical Christians, the Church is full of it and everyone is a hypocrite, therefore why be a Christian?
THE BUBBLE FLOATER
This is someone who doesn’t belong to any particular group or club, so you see them with a different group every week.
THE MAJOR MAJOR
This person wants to ask everyone what their major is, and then what they want to do with their life. They will probably ask you this twice in the first year. The longer they know you, the more angry they sound if they ask you because it’s so awkward that they don’t know yet.
Says things like “gosh” and “I’m going hoome” and “you guys” and likes tea with no sugar. They can’t survive down here. Their church is probably liberal.
THE KJV ONLY GUY
This person will preach the KJV as the only inspired version, ignoring the fact that it was translated by Anglicans from the Catholic-influenced Textus Receptus. They believe all other versions will immediately lead a congregation astray if ever read out lout. They will even do devos on this.
THE SPOILED SLYTHERIN
This guy’s parents are loaded and he was raised with a superiority complex, so he comes here and joins an elitist social club. He damages other people’s property because they’re not in his club, but if the same thing happens to him, he whines like a baby to the dean. He threatens members of the faculty and they just laugh him in the face because he thinks he can just buy his way out of any situation with his connections and money.
THE PERPETUAL CRIPPLE
This guy somehow manages to come down with some serious injury (broken leg, broken wrist, dislocated shoulder) from a soft game of intramurals.
COMMONS CONCERT GUYS
They play acoustic in the guitar. Not very well. And in the commons. Why? Because the chicks dig it.
THE PATHWAY CLOGGERS
These people get in large groups in inconvenient places like in front of the campus mail hall or top of stairs to the dining hall.
THE UPC TOOL
This person joined UPC and acts as if every single idea was one they were in on, when really they just got a facebook message sayin’ “meet here 30 minutes before to decorate stuff or like buy something”. Their purpose is to throw Little Debbie cakes in chapel.
The AARP Guy
Usually in the 28-32 year range, this person either should have graduated by now or has but keeps coming back. They will stay overnight to reminisce, but they really just want to use your laundry machine. Chad Fetters.
THE HIGH SHOOL FRESHMAN
This kid graduated high school way too early, and is a social status whore. They will get overexcited about social clubs, and you can always count on them to be enthusiastic about the most lame activities.
THE VIRGIN TEASE
This girl is proud to be a virgin, yet she shows as much cleavage as she can. She also makes sure her butt sticks out in her pants. She will walk in such a way to make sure that this is noticed. She wants every guy out there to know that her stuff is the stuff, but justifies herself in doing this because, hey, she ain’t lettin’ anybody touch it. She feels better about herself if she is convinced guys are lusting after her but aren’t fornicating with her.
His blinds are never open. He swings on LAN cables. His light’s never on. He lives by the light of his computer. Whenever he goes out, which is very, very rare, he squints and looks frightened, often power walking to class. He’s clean, but his room’s a mess. He gets average grades, and he’s usually a science major, though sometimes a Lit or English major. Paul Gray.
THE ONE-YEAR-ONLY PARTY SCHOOL KID
This person will be at Freed for only one year and choose to only hang out with two other people, and always want to be somewhere else. Then they’ll leave and months later post fitty-leven pictures of them with their legs wrapped around their newfound friends holding beer cups and acting like monkeys. No wonder they didn’t stay.
THE MAC ENDORSER
Owns a mac, and ipod, ipod accessories, and won’t shutup about how mac is better than PC (even though it is). They will rub it in your face that their computer never crashes. iKnow, right?
Misses degree has no real purpose in college except finding “Mr. Degree” majoring in Bible. Her parents pressured her to enroll. Either really hot and doesn’t want to date the perfect guy, or comely and wants to date every guy. Mrs. Degree has no problem being a mere shadow of their preacher husband. Can cook and clean.
THE ‘BOYS HAVE COOTIES’ GIRL
This girl has come to Freed only to suddenly revert back to Kindergarten when it comes to liking boys. She wants nothing to do with them because she knows they all want to marry her and she ain’t ready for that yet. She’s here for a career, which means no time for dating.
CAN’T GET A SOCIAL CLUE PERSON
This person will enjoy starting long conversations while you’re on your way to class that starts in one minute, or when you’re in Gano before your 11:30. You remind them politely that you don’t have time for this in your schedule. That doesn’t stop them.
The Facebook Addict often makes references to who changed/added what, and who “its complicated” with who. Most of their sentences begin with “omg did u see _______ on his/her wall?” and end with “Tag it!” They check facebook every chance they get. They are amazed by those who mini-feed say they have “no recent activity” and how they have such self control.
One drawer full of wife beaters and basketball shorts, the other drawer full of whey protein he bought by the gallon. Flexes while talking to girls. Or guys. Shoots creatine like crack. May or may not be on the roids, but that would explain why he likes to pick you up and squeeze you.
THE BIBLE FACULTY APPRENTICE
This person will only take classes from the very favorite Bible professor. They will ask questions that have nothing to do with the material, but obviously show they have done unnecessary extra study in a related field. They will approach you in the commons and ask you how you been, and before you can answer they will tell you about a Hebrew verb they’ve been looking up and how their entire theology is based off of one word they found.
THEY LIVE IN THE STUDENT CENTER
These people are always in the student center. They have ONE class but they will be in the student center right after chapel and stay until devo. When one group leaves, they will get up and casually walk in circles, maybe check their mailbox, until they notince someone else they know sit down. 5 trips to the dinging hall a day.
THE BLACK GUY
Okay, let’s be fair. Sometimes you’ll find as many as 5.
THE GAZEBO REMIXER
These guys live for Sunday nights. They will show up at the Gazeo, racquetball courts, or whatever other singing spot just to show off how many new songs they learned. They will also show us how many neat ways to mix two songs together. Their most distinguishing trait is singing outrageous countermelodies to pupular songs. They will also lead like 5 songs in a row.
THE CANDLELIGHTING COMMITTEE
Girls like this will get all worked up about their friends getting engaged, and always talk about how they can’t wait to get married. Yet they aren’t even dating. They came for the MRS. but are so obsessed with finding the perfect guy they freak out and scare all the men away.
THE FLEETING FRESHMAN LOVEBIRDS
They’ve been dating since freshman year of high school, and their love is eternal. One of them rejected an offer to a more academically strong college just to be with their perfect other. Come spring semester they will have already broken up.
THE FACEBOOK PHOTO TAGGER
This girl will take 50 photos of herself and tag them all on facebook. All the photos look exactly the same. Maybe they’re making a different face.
OFFICE/LOST JUNKIE (sorry, it’s been a few years—the WALKING DEAD/DOWNTON ABBEY JUNKIE)
Half the campus. Guys just want to talk theories and zombie headshots. Girls want to talk Crawley and Lady Mary. These people never truly come alive until the hours between Wednesday night and Friday morning.
Dull. Sublunary. They can’t get off each other. The lobby is like their own hottub without the water. Beneath the surface is twitching and groping. All in the anticipation of me turning the couch over.
THAT SOCIALLY AWKWARD GUY THAT DOESN’T EVEN BELONG IN THE NERD CATEGORY
Wears a cape and a Nintendo belt buckle around campus. Eats salami out of his pocket. Uses his initial free library printer copies to post flyers for girls to date him. Just weird stuff like that.
THE FOREIGN ATHELETE
Freed gets these people because they’re foreign and, well, they’re athletes. They speak a different language. And they play a sport. For the school. They get in trouble with the school, but never get kicked off the team, cuz hey, they gotta play for the school.
THE SOCIAL CLUB NAZI
This person spends all four years on social clubbing, every aspect of it. They buy all the club shirts from the bookstore, attend every single meeting, wear the colors at least three times a week, and HAS to win first at everything intramural. Their club is actually better than the others. Because it just is I guess.
This person rushes to their room at the phrase “HALO” or “Call of Duty”. They will be heard shouting “Watson, I killed you!” at 3:00 a.m. They will be across the suite from each other, but still use the headsats. They may get up occasionally to buy more LAN wire, or get a drink. Skips class. Somehow graduates.
THE CLOSET GAY
Leaves the school after a while because he’s convinced everyone will hate him if he comes out instead of lovingly tries to help him deal with his temptations.
THE LAZY ENVIRONMENTALIST
Owns a bike and thinks everyone should drive a hybrid car that gets 10 miles to a gallon. They will always complain about how the school chopped down another tree.
THE MAKIN’ MUSIC JUNKIE
Their sole purpose for enrollingwas to be in Makin’ Music/Sing-o-rama/whatever huge PR event the school has. Their goal is to win a show by the end of their four-year term. If they don’t, they cry. If they do win, apparently that makes them the supreme being in the entire universe. They’re better than you because their lines were straight and they had good vocals, and their costume which was designed by someone else was really good.
SEARCHING FOR TRUTH: RELIGIOUS DISCUSSION GROUP GUY
Will spend hours on a facebook group dedicated to religious discussion group. Will blog about every topic for hours, arguing with people who don’t know what they’re talking about either. They will either list endless scriptures or never use one.
THE “YEAH, ME NEITHER” GUY
He will ask you if you studied for a test. You did, but for some reason you say “no.” He will respond with “yea, me neither” even though you both studied for about 30 minutes and you’ll do fine on your test.
THE CLOSET INSTRUMENTALIST (or closet believing-in-whatever-controversial-belief-is-particular-to-your-denomination-sect-or-wing)
This person thinks it’s perfectly ok to use the instrument, and doesn’t have the backbone to admit that they think it is ok. This person may be a youth ministr major who won’t reveal his tendencies until it’s “too late”.
THE BALANCED GUY/GIRL
Have just the right amount of friends, sense and skills, class, looks and self-esteem. They’re willing to learn a little about everything and can be found in places such as the gym lifting weights, or even in a kitchen working on their cooking skills. They are not slobs, they are not perfect. They do sports, they do music. They are politically and religious moderate, but only because they don’t really bring up controversy. They are on equal stance with everyone, and is just so sweet and nice, and no one can point out anything negative about them. They end up getting nominated for Homecoming King or Mr. University or some other honorary honor.
THE ‘CHECK OUT MY NEW RINGTONE’ GUY/GIRL
TThis person has the latest phone that takes pictures, video, shows holograms, takes out the garbage, makes Julian fries, kills your boss, takes your test, gets rid of unwanted moles on your butt. They think it’s so awesome to show you that their latest ringtone they downloaded is a low-quality, 10-second clip from ane extremely talentless rap routine. They will say “check out my new ringtone” as if they composed it or worked hard to get it, like it’s something to be proud of. You will then hear the muffled beat of synthesized drums and whistles, with some no-talent rapper talking really fast in rhyme. The person will also dance to this ringtone as if you asked them to, waving their fifty jangly things on their keyring as they gyrate. 10 seconds of my life wasted. Thanks.
THE DRIFTING YOUTH MINISTRY MAJOR
Will cheat to get through school because they need to graduate as soon as they can so they can help kids. They can’t wait to get paid to babysit and give motivational speeches, because that’s all youth ministry is.
NON-CONFORMIST CONFORMIST/ CULTURAL ELITIST/HIPSTER
The Non-Conformist Conformist is an interesting species. While he tries to “not be a tool,” he is unable to do so without conforming to another group. Hangs out with the postmodern philosopher a lot. Wear their girlfriends’ jeans. Constantly talking about the quality of everything they like, and everything they like is so obscure mainstream Christians will never hear of it. “Dude have you listened to the Elbow Paint Novemberist Gunners?” Until the band surprisingly plays on campus thanks to UPC. Then the band is so over. Condescends to anyone not his friend. That’s all right though because whether it be the punk, goth, or any other subculture, the Non-Conformist Conformist declares boldly, Must fit in by not fitting in.
HARDCORE CAMPUS DISC GOLF GUYS
They skip class at 2:30 to play campus disc golf. Will pay $60 for a frisbee basket. And we’re not ashamed of it.
Every part of his brain is taken up by sports. He wakes up to morning sports commentators talk in detail about an athelete’s career, and then spend the day finding how many people they can talk to about how the commentators talked about the athelete’s career (using the commentators quotes and facts). They will constantly argue how their favorite team is better than all others. They will offer the same evidence every time, and act as if people aren’t expecting it. They play sports on the PS3, not in real life. f they actually get out and play real ball, they’re not really good, but talk trash anyway. When playing on the PS3 they’ll get as fired up as a H.A.L.O. player and scream while you’re trying to sleep or study. Takes intramural way too seriously.
THE POTTY-MOUTH ATHLETE
This guy is a good example until he steps on the field. There’s this magical force field that unbridles his tongue and makes him unleash a tapestry of wordy dords that hang over the game.
They’re in college because they were top of their class in a graduating class of nineteen kids. Always carries a gun in the trunk, wears camouflage to class, attends every athletic event, and mutters things from Duck Dynasty. Is obsessed with the rebel flag. Makes belt buckles of their social club. On the weekend they have a job that involves their truck, or a tractor. Wake up at 5:30 in the mornin’.
I WENT TO EUROPE AND I GOT SO CLOSE WITH THAT GROUP
But after like three weeks they start hanging out with their old friends again, occasionally to pass by people they went to Europe with and say “hey, rememeber that time we went to Europe?”
This is the guy that always over-emphasizes pronunciations like Eyes-eye-uh (Isaiah) just to let everyone know how it’s pronounced, and brags to the Bible teacher about a special Hebrew verb they found in the Psalms.
LISTEN TO ME SING’ GIRL
She sits down next to you and asks you how your day was. She will then talk about her day. Then, after sitting in silence for about 5 seconds, she will begin to sing a song to herself. She’s not really that awesome a singer. She gets louder. “have you heard that song?” No. She sings anyway. You begin to do something besides sit there in listen to her. “You’re listening to me sing,” she says. Smack.
SELF-RIGHTEOUS DEVO SOAPBOX GUY
This guy somehow manages to speak at 3 devos every semester, about either how we need to love each other more or some soapbox issue. He will not use scripture, or will quite a long string of it that is irrelevant. He will talk about how he and his girlfriend have noticed some trend and he needs to speak on it. They will attend every single devo together. Man he’s so glad he’s not like the sinners.
Well, that’s about all I got. What are some other stereotypes? Feel free to comment.