33 Judgmental Church Folks Who Are Disappointed in You
Not Judging, just disappointed

1. This Old Lady
This old lady does not want to hear your excuse for why you weren’t at Sunday service this morning.

2. This radio preacher
This radio preacher thinks you should getty up for the rapture while you still got time.

3. This Song Leader
This song leader is a bit perturbed that you are dragging out “Farther Along” a little too slowly.

4. This Bible Class Teacher
This Bible class teacher is going to have a talk with your mother about you not filling in the crossword puzzle and the fifteen fill-in-the-blank for homework.

5. This Row of People
This row of people can’t believe what you just said in the pulpit.

6. This Teen Bible Study Group
This teen Bible study group is uncomfortable with those worldly friends you brought with you.

7. This overseas missionary
This overseers missionary just doesn’t understand why you didn’t pack up your things and go with him.

8. This Blogger
This blogger has noticed that you have yet to follow her blog for teen girls on purity.

9. This Street Preacher
This street preacher saw you walk right by him and plans to use you in an illustration of the sower and the seed.

10. This Angry Closet Atheist
This angry closet atheist is just sick and tired of all these hypocrite phonies, just sick and tired.

11. This Hebrew Scholar
This Hebrew scholar is cringing because you just mistranslated that aorist active indicative verb.

12. This Pro-Family Businessman
This pro-family businessman is too friendly to tell you that the reason he’s not doing business with you is your sexual orientation.

13. This Culturally Relevant Minister
This culturally relevant minister thinks you should get more tribal tattoos if you really want to reach inner city Seattle.

14. This Girl
This girl wishes you would dress as modestly as she does, because you look like a hussy right now.

15. This New Preacher
This new preacher knows you’re afraid of him because he’s young and inexperienced, and is going to prove you wrong.

16. This Potluck Committee Chair
This potluck committee chair specifically said, “no stemware”—How are we supposed to stand out from the world if you bring stemware to the potluck dinner?

17. These Grumpy Old Men in the Foyer
These grumpy old men in the foyer are aware you don’t share their concern about having a Muslim President, so it’s no wonder this country’s gone to pot.

18. This Camp Counselor
This camp counselor has warned you time and time again that there is a strict “no shorts” policy, and the last thing he wants to do is send you home.

19. This Apologist Debater
This apologist debater is frankly uninterested in your experiential evidence for the existence of God, as it does not suit his criteria.

20. This Woman
This woman has worn her head covering to services.  Where’s yours?

21. These Bible Class Students
These Bible class students are astonished that you forgot the memory verse this week.

22. This Methodist Statue
This Methodist statue thinks you should sing more Wesleyan hymns in the sanctuary.

23. These Two Mormons
These two Mormons would love to study the Book of Mormon with you, and would genuinely appreciate if you stop asking questions about the Book of Mormon and just pray to God to tell you if it’s true.

24. This Hipster Youth Group Member
This hipster youth group member is, like, unimpressed that you’re such a tool when it comes to, like, going to one of those conformist churches. He’s tweeting about it.

25. This Soulful Reverend
This soulful reverend is uncomfortable with you stereotyping him as the token black soulful reverend.

26. This Nice Family
This nice family—gosh, look at them!  What a nice family!—Anyway, this nice family is praying that you too will get married and be fruitful and multiply.

27. This Stoic Clergyman
This stoic clergyman does not approve of what you’re doing, and quite frankly, doesn’t find it jovial in the least.

28. This Protester
This protester thinks you’re going to Hell for not hating the people she hates.

29. This Monseigneur
This Monseigneur has not seen you in confession in at least a good month.

30. This pastor with an eagle on his desk
This pastor with an eagle on his desk thinks you should drop that ESV and stick to the King James.

31. This Handlebar Pastor
This handlebar pastor thinks you’re a coward for not burning Qurans with him last weekend.

32. This Elder
This elder heard you joke that his face looks like that of an old woman and wants to know if you think Jesus would find that funny.

33. This Goober
This goober finds it real easy to sit behind a computer and mock the judgmental attitudes of other Christians, but this also makes him something of a hypocrite.  He’s not always a good example, and is in desperate need of the grace of God.  Pray for him.  He means well.