Lighting Chinese Floating Lanterns: The Importance of Following Directions

I feel it is time to bring your attention to the importance of following directions when releasing a Chinese floating lantern.  I also want to stress the importance of the directions being properly translated into English in the first place.

My wife and I bought a Chinese floating lantern from an undisclosed website.  The English translation for the product is “Light of Wishing”

The directions instructed us to do the following:

  1. After the distribution of fuel to packaging equipment Kong Cross wire in the side of the field again deduction presses
    The Fuel-pressure lock firmly.
    [I tried my best to Kong Cross the wire, to no avail, as it was hard to do while deduction pressing the fuel-pressure lock.]
  2. A person wishing light take up a Top;
    Another person fuel ignited the four angle.
    [I mean, I feel that one was pretty self-explanatory; I have to admire their proper use of the semicolon.  This makes for great poetry.]
  3. Wait for that the heat enough light, lanterns person lest loose
    A top hand changes grips under the light to encircle, Has when
    the lifting force may let go releases for flying
    [I know it looks simply in theory, but believe me there was a lot of top hand changing grips under the light to encircle in the small amount of time we had.]
  4. Wishing light rose slowly the sky, do not forget Wishing oh……..
    [See, this is almost a haiku.  I feel this guy has been assigned the wrong profession.]

So we took our lantern outside in the night sky, lifted it by the paper top, lit the fuel cube, and watched the paper expand and the lantern rise.  We let it go as it rose up above us, holding it by a string as it drifted upward, so serene, so calm, a paper thin embodiment of peace, tranquility, memory and ceremony, a pure light pulsing and diffusing in the soft, silent climbing of an enchanting, solitary vigil in the night—
yep, it’s in the neighbor’s tree.
and it’s on fire

We try to chase after it but it’s too late.  Part of the branch is engulfed and the lantern is smoldering.  The dog next door is barking.  The woman behind us peers over her porch and yells “what the —- is that!?”  Our neighbors pull into their driveway ten seconds later.  Another neighbor comes out of his door with a beer in his hand: “hey, cool, man!”

I feel where we went wrong was in not heeding the warning labels.  They were clear, after all:
Should choose at the option open, calm environment released for flight.  No fire ban in areas, the tall building the floor, and so on have covers under the thing to release for flight, must leave outside the airport 10 kilometers for flying.

Wishing light can only be used for the distribution the special-purpose fuel, prohibited by any burning Replace.

Wishing light are on the rise, that of the flying, cannot the long time not put, and the Flight not be append the foreign body.

Children must be under the eustody of the adult use.

Declaration: Wishing light for the fire flying, because of environmental ingredient such as improper use of security incidents caused by the release of the commitment.  Production enterprises, vendors, transport, operators without any responsibility.  You use both, then you understand and accept on behalf of the declaration.

I did not heed the declaration.  I did not “choose at the option open, calm environment”.  I definitely did “the long time put” and, thus, the flight did indeed “append a foreign body”.  I have to say this wasn’t the first time an “incident was caused by the release of a commitment”.

Now I understand the declaration.

My wife will have trouble sleeping tonight.  She keeps imagining that tree becoming engulfed, lighting the pine tree next to it, and the one next to it, and the one after, like spruce dominoes falling on the top of our steep hill, sending forth sparks upon our roof, a Chinese dragon come to exact revenge.

Kim Jong Un wants to buy drones from these people.  I’m not really that worried.  I think we’ll burn ourselves to a smoking cinder before that becomes a concern.

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