“My Week at the Full Armor Lectures” by Jeremy Marshall
Day 2 (pt. 5)

from Day 3.5:

“Excuse me,” I said. More applause, more whistling, more stomping feet. So I spat the words out like a school teacher who has returned from a restroom visit to find her classroom baptized in chaos: “EXCUSE ME!” The applause abruptly choked, except for Skeeter McDoogan, whose clapping sort of sputtered out like a dieseling engine. Then I calmly added, “Excuse me, but I do have some questions.”

“Well let’s hear them, then,” replied Brother Snipes, smugly.

“First, I keep hearing Mack Baldato and Strudel Harrison being chastised for wearing sweaters. What’s wrong with wearing sweaters? Maybe they just like wearing them. I don’t see how that’s a sign of apostasy.”

“The problem is,” said Brother Snipes, “they wear sweaters when they preach.”

“So?” I asked, in a way which signified that I didn’t understand his line of thought.

“So, sweaters are made of wool, right?”

“They can be, yes,” I replied.

“Well, wool comes from sheep, does it not?”

“The last time I checked it did,” I said.

“Well, there you go! It proves they are false teachers—they are wolves in sheep’s clothing!” boomed Brother Snipes, as if this were the simplest of deductions. (This is a prime example of what we in the First United Primitive Christian Church refer to as a “necessary inference,” which along with “command” and “apostolically-approved example” forms our hermeneutical Holy Trinity). Several people laughed; Brother McDoogan hollered a raucous “Amen!”