How To Be a Political Hypocrite

As the national trust deficit rises, people want to know who to blame. It’s important to know what you stand for, and why. But even more importantly, it is vital to know if you’re a hypocrite when it comes to your political views.

So here are some tips on how to be a political hypocrite:

Blame Every National Problem On Your Opposition, Always, No Matter What the Data Suggest.

The state of the economy is their fault. The crime rate is their fault. Natural disasters are their fault. Corruption in Washington is their fault. Only getting seven nuggets in your combo meal instead of eight is their fault.

Call the Opposition Names; When They Call You Names, It Shows How Hateful They Are.

The great thing about hypocrisy is that it allows you to say whatever you want about others, because you will either forget it or justify it, which makes it easier to call out those who say horrible things about you.

Disregard All Media That Doesn’t Tell The Story You Want To Hear.

Who has the time to research? Here’s a simple way to tell if it’s fake news or not: Does it match the story you already believed to be true?

When It Happens To Their Party, It’s a Scandal; When It Happens To You Party, It’s Blown Out of Proportion.

hyp_cixi_empressIf someone you support is accused of sexual harassment, for example, make sure to downplay it as a media distraction. When someone you despise is accused of the same, lambast them every opportunity you have. If someone you support took money under the table, it was nothing more than a campaign contribution. When the other side does it, utter corruption!

Praise Your Party’s Rhetoric. When the Other Side Uses the Same Rhetoric, Blast It.

Whether it’s about making your country great again or being a “city on a hill,” hate it when they use it, love it when you hear it from your side.

Embrace Identity Politics, But Accuse the Opposition of Embracing Identity Politics.

You want America to reflect the values of people who are…like you, for people who are like you to have their voice heard. They, on the other hand, want to unfairly steal America from people like you and give it to people like…them.

Cherish Life. Only, of Course, On Your Terms.

For example, you can be anti-abortion but favor the use of nuclear weapons on civilians. Or, you can be against the death penalty but for abortion. Take your pick.

Politicize Tragedies Immediately. Speak Against Politicizing Tragedies Immediately.

Make a tragedy about a hit button issue before the full story even hits the news. Beat them to it. But also speak against doing that.

Support a Policy of the Leader You Voted For; Cry Outrage at a Same or Similar Policy By an Opposing Leader.

Were you chill when your favorite president halted refugees? Now that you lost this election, be sure to speak out against it.

Know that Executive Orders are Tyrannical, Until You Win an Election.

This is key, guys. The executive branch is too powerful whenever the opposition gets a hold of it.

Believe That Protest Is Essential To Democracy When You Agree With the Protesters; When You Disagree, Call Them a Threat or Tell Them to Get a Job.

Protesters are practicing their right to free speech and assembly. But, let’s face it, sometimes they’re so wrong they deserve to be handled roughly. How do you know where to draw the line? All you have to do is ask whether their values line up with yours.

Support Free Speech, When You Agree With the Speech.

Think flag burning is the worst thing ever? Declare that anyone who does it should go to jail! Do you find it deeply offensive that someone won’t make a gay wedding cake. Take away their bakery!

When You Lose An Election, It’s Because Your Voice Has Been Neglected. When You Win An Election, It’s Because Your Voice Was Finally Heard.

It’s never because the Electoral College, or gerrymandering, or the fact that a majority vote doesn’t matter so much as whoever gets the most, even if 75% of registered voters did not vote for the winner.

Be Sure To Change Your Mind About Supreme Court Appointments When Your Party Does.

Just go with the flo.

We Should Be in Iraq; We Should Not Be in Iraq.

It’s not just about changing your mind every four years. You also need to change your mind when the President does.

Your President Is Playing Too Much Golf, Unless You Voted For Him.

I call this “The St. Andrews Equation.”

Devote Yourself to Amnesia.

Forget what your party used to stand for, what stance your party’s leaders once took, and, above all, how you criticized the previous administration.

Admit it: This Post is Directed At Your Political Opponents.

Not you. It couldn’t possibly be you.

One response to “How To Be a Political Hypocrite

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